PT. 3 OF 3

When I read your last letter, I was at the train station getting ready to board the midnight ride into Bridgeport, but as I read it…I slowly began to change my mind.

You’re right, and so was Prichard, I was being selfish, and as I watched a nearby family resting on one another’s shoulders and laps after being stuck at the station awaiting a connection, I realized I missed my family, as much as they probably missed me. I missed Lynn’s neurotic tendencies, Liam’s short attention span, and I even missed Prichard’s endless ramblings. Still, I was so determined not to burden them with my condition, I burdened anyway with concern, and disappointment.

I always thought the reason God gave me a weak heart, was so I would try twice as hard to make it stronger as I grew older, but now I knew the only thing I was doing to it was making it weaker by pushing away the ones I loved.

When grandmother was alive, I remember listening to her old rocking chair creak as she rocked in it beside my bed. “Sooyoung,” she said to me…”The doctor says you have an enlarged heart.”

I remember sitting up in my bed and looking at her curiously. “What’s an enlarged heart grandma?”

I could tell she wanted to tell me the truth, tell me what the doctor said, but as she looked at me, at only eight years old, she couldn’t bring it upon herself to burden me with the reality of my situation. “It means that unlike everyone else in this world, you are so loved and cherished, that your heart can’t even stand it.”

I smiled at her, and I smiled as I sat on the train station bench about to get up to leave. In a way she was right, my heart couldn’t stand it, but I had to make my heart stronger by taking a stand, and doing what was right…by not running away anymore.

Because it takes heart to love, and it takes heart to cry, and it takes heart to promise yourself to someone forever, and it takes love to forgive someone for the hope things will change in the future…it takes heart to accept yourself for who you are, and let someone else in to accept you for who you are.

I miss you brother, and I can’t wait until you return home again to see your sister has found happiness at last.

I love weddings,

                 Sooyoung

FINALE: PT. 1 OF 3

PT 2 OF 2.

PT. 1 OF 2

You’re probably wondering why it took so long to get this letter, but don’t blame the messenger…it’s my mistake this time.

Worse case scenario snuck up on me the other morning. You know when you dream you’re dying, but then you open your eyes and realize you’re still alive…and it’s just a nightmare. Well…this particular nightmare didn’t quite end like this, and when I finally opened my eyes and woke up, I found myself in a hospital bed, recovering from a near death experience.

Supposedly my heart stopped beating, causing everything else to shut down along with it…including my lungs. Had Prichard never checked on me that morning, wondering why it was I still hadn’t woken up, I probably would have never woken up at all. Lynn said he spent the entire ambulance ride to the hospital arguing with the EMT about how he didn’t know a thing about proper CPR procedure.

This didn’t surprise me.

Still, I’m sure they were glad when they rushed me into the ER, and left him outside of the hospital to cool off, and let Lynn and her nurses do their jobs, uninterrupted. He cooled off, eventually, but he didn’t budge from his spot either, until he knew what happened, and why.

I guess I can’t blame him, but at the same time…I didn’t want to concern him. So when the nurse asked if I wanted to see him, I told her to turn him away. My heart was still weak after hours of emergency surgery, but my shame…

…my shame and my guilt, was as strong as ever.

You know, surprisingly those military surplus tents aren’t too bad, somehow I, and everyone else managed to get rest despite a ridiculously muggy night at the spring. Soon as the sun rose, the boys got straight to readying their rods to catch us lunch, while Lynn and I took the nature trail up the mountain to see if we could find a nice side dish or two.

I had to say I was actually enjoying myself, until I realized again why it is I don’t do the outdoors thing very often.

“OH MY GOD! Sooyoung your nose is bleeding!!!”

You think she’d be a little calmer about seeing blood, being a doctor and all, but it turns out she was right. My nose was bleeding, and only I really knew the reason why.

While Liam was cooking up the six tiny Minnow he caught, after some coaxing Lynn eventually convinced Prichard to check on me as I distanced myself from everyone else for the remainder of the afternoon.

He seemed genuinely concerned, but I was genuinely tired, and in no mood to explain my predicament. Even though I was beginning to sound like a hypocrite, after all the progress he and I had made the night before…

…somehow, I just didn’t want to burden him with my problems, like I burdened grandmother. I did my best to convince him I was okay. Whether or not he believed me though, I guess I’ll never know.

Missing you more and more,

                               Sooyoung

While we were there I decided to be bold and get something off of my chest. Since Prichard and I had grown so close over the past month, I thought if we were going to remain close, we were going to have to stop keeping secrets, and start being forward with one another.

So I asked him about Lynn.

His answer was short and concise as usual. “If you’re wondering if I still have feelings for her, I don’t. Whatever it was we had is long gone.”

This made me feel a little better, but it still seemed like he wasn’t telling me everything. Luckily, he’s pretty good at reading my mind when I’m too afraid to ask him something.

“Plus,” he said to me with a smile. “I’m kinda working on something new in the love department. It’s been five years, I have to move on eventually. Right?”

I grinned. “Right.”

He admitted to me how he still dreaded the wedding, well if there was ever going to be one anyway. Somehow, he had a feeling seeing his best friend, and his ex girlfriend get married while he stood on the sidelines as a mere best man, was going to be hard regardless of what he felt now. So I took his hand and reassured him he would get through it…

…and that I would be there for him if he needed me to be.

This seemed to raise his spirits some, and I was glad.

^ ^

Dreaming of you,

                  Sooyoung

To be totally honest, I wasn’t really looking forward to going on Liam’s weekend fishing trip. Especially after the conversation we had the other night, I somehow managed to feel like the fourth wheel in their little love triangle.

I was reminded yet again I was totally alone, and that even someone as socially challenged as Prichard was doing better than I was in the love department. Still, as we talked over a game of fooseball, we talked about the trip and to my surprise, Prichard didn’t seem all too excited about it either. Here Liam was trying to get us to bond, and no one was really all that interested in bonding outside among the mosquitoes and the humid night air except him.

Now I kinda feel bad honestly.

Liam had good intentions, just high expectations is all.

So we packed up the back of the car full of mainly Lynn’s stuff, and we decided to set off before sundown so we could make camp, and get some good old fashion rest underneath the stars for fishing in the morning.

In the back of the car I kept my fingers crossed the entire way to Crystal Springs. Much as I love spending time with them, it would be sooner rather than later before this ticking time bomb would explode. Maybe I was just kinda hoping I’d conveniently be at work when it finally did.

Still, I’m convinced there’s more to Prichard than what he shows on the outside. Behind his awkward graces, he’s hiding something, I just didn’t quite expect it to be what it turned out to be.

Once my shift was over, I was a little baffled to see Liam standing outside the shop doors, waiting on me. He said he had a really interesting story to tell me, but it didn’t quite add up as to why he couldn’t wait until I got home to go on about some book he picked up earlier today. He was avoiding something, the real reason why he came. How did I know this, you ask?

Well, because everyone including me knows Liam doesn’t like to read anything unless it’s an article in Outdoorsing Monthly. Eventually, he got to the point, after he asked if I would join him on a quick trip down to the beach.

On the way there, he began talking about Lynn, and how they first met. Supposedly it was Prichard who knew her first, and Prichard eventually introduced them. They dated for some time, but it eventually became apparent to Liam that seeing them together wasn’t sitting too well with Prichard. Prichard had feelings for Lynn, he just never quite got up the courage to tell her.

Liam eventually proposed to Lynn, in hopes it would possibly shed some light onto whether she had any feelings for Prichard as well, to his surprise however, she admitted nothing, and instead only expressed her joy over the fact they were going to spends their lives together, forever.

I asked Liam if he really wanted to spend forever with her, if the reason he brought up was the only reason he asked her to marry him, and not because he actually intended to.

Liam didn’t answer. Or couldn’t.

So I rephrased. “Is it because you still think Lynn might still love Prichard, and that Prichard may still love her?”

I watched in agony as he nodded his head, shamefully.

Never had I seen him this way, even though he smiled, I could see the hurt in his eyes. “I stole her away,” he said to me. “This is my punishment.”

We had planned a trip to the lake tomorrow so we could all get away, I was looking forward to it, but now…I guess I’m just hoping maybe he’s wrong, and that it won’t end up a complete disaster.

Wish me luck,

            Sooyoung